Adjusting to the reality of cancer

Perhaps the most difficult thing about adjusting to a new reality is not knowing what the new reality is.

You may recall this comment from my last blog. I was talking about the fact that it took over three weeks of tests and consultations to get a better picture of what we were facing. So at the start, we did not know whether Gail would make it to Christmas. How does one cope with this sort of uncertainty? We knew our lives would be radically changed. But how would they be changed?

As a brief aside, my experience has many parallels to that of most Zimbabweans. We know that with the theft of the recent elections our reality has changed, but we have no idea what that reality will look like tomorrow, next week or next month.

Let us return to my testimony. I woke up the day after the news, and in reality, nothing had changed. Gail was functioning as she had done every morning for years. The children were with us at the breakfast table – as they had been every morning for years. It was business as usual. We had each other. We had ... today. Yes that was it, we had today, and we had each other.

At that point, it occurred to me that today is our only reality. Tomorrow is not reality. Tomorrow may never come. Further, my perception of tomorrow is an illusion. Tomorrow does not exist as my mind imagines it, for tomorrow will always be different to what I expect. But today is today. I live in the present moment of today, not in the past or in the future.

My wife could be taken from me, but what guarantee is there that I will be alive tomorrow – or both my children – or all my loved ones? Life is not safe. Jesus never said that it would be. Things can change in an instant and tomorrow may never come; therefore, loving God and loving others in the present moment is of infinite value. If it is important to hug my wife, let me do it today ... right away in fact! If it is important to complement my son, what am I waiting for! And why should I allow tomorrow to rob me of today? Tomorrow does not exist. But today does.

For these reasons, I could see that “today” was a precious gift and something that needed to be unwrapped with joy. But how could I make sure that nothing would spoil the gift?

Since the news broke about Gail’s cancer, I have noticed that the biggest spoiler of my today is fear of tomorrow. So when I began to fret about the severity of the cancer – something that might only be defined in a week’s time from the results of further tests– I would strangle the life out of those thoughts with focus on the present. I would ask myself, “what is the next step we need to take towards healing and wholeness for Gail?”, and then I would focus on taking that step. Or I would ask God, “What thing of importance and value do you want me to do now?” On occasion it was having coffee with Gail, enjoying the sounds of birdsong and the warmth of the sun. Sometimes it was holding hands in a doctor’s waiting room.

By seeking to honour God in the present, I was placing my trust in Him and putting Him in charge rather than fear.

Further, God reminded me repeatedly that whatever I chose to do with the gift of the present, it had to be motivated by love. Harshness and frustration are incubated in the womb of fear. And fear grows in the absence of trust. I so desperately did not want fear and stress to shape my decisions and the way I treated those close to me. Think about it. If today might be the last one you spend with your loved ones, why would you want to mess it up by treating them harshly? In this regard, God has been and continues to be faithful. His strength is perfected in my weakness.

So I have been reminded that love and making the present moment count for God is impossible with fear or worry at the controls. That is why God highlighted Psalm 84 and especially verse 11 in such an emphatic way (see my last blog). God is dependable and worthy of trust. He has my back. He is my sun and my shield. He shines the light of life and guidance. He provides. He protects. This is His responsibility and delight. My responsibility and delight is to trust Him. And what greater expression of trust could there be than loving and make the present moment count for God? I have my bad days I must admit. But I am a work in progress, and God is on my side. What a relief!

Cheers for now - Ian

Shocking News

To hear that one’s wife probably has cancer must count as just about the worst kind of news one can get. In her phone call, our GP said that Gail should anticipate chemo therapy, perhaps radiation therapy and possibly an operation later on.

So the 1^st of July 2013 was one of those days - one of those days when everything changes. Goodbye “normal” life! But what is a “normal” life anyway?

Adjusting to the new reality was difficult to say the least. Tears would well up every time I looked at Gail as I realised how much she meant to me. It was hard to remain composed whilst the kids were around. That night, over and over, I would be jerked awake as the words “Gail has cancer” bludgeoned my mind.

 Perhaps the most difficult thing about adjusting to a new reality is not knowing what the new reality is. It took over three weeks of tests, scans, biopsies, medical procedures and consultations before we even knew whether Gail would make it to Christmas; so controlling my mind that night became a no-holds-barred fight.

In the one corner of the ring were thoughts and images that seemed to come unbidden from nowhere. For example, I would see a picture in my mind’s eye of Katherine’s wedding with Gail missing.

In the other corner of the ring was Psalm 84. I call Psalm 84 my life psalm. I repeat it to myself and meditate on it to overcome fear. Psalm 84 is about trusting God during times of adversity. The psalmist reminds us that intimacy with God is the foundation of trust, that worship is the pathway to trust, and that God alone should be the focus of our trust.

So in the early hours of July 2^nd, I was reciting Psalm 84 over and over to myself. Often my meditation would be interrupted by sleep or fretful thoughts and tears, but I kept dragging my mind back to Psalm 84.

As time went on, one particular verse began to rise above the rest. It was as if this verse opened a portal to heaven allowing peace to flood into my being. “The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favour and honour; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless”. God, like the sun, would be our source of light, life and supply; like a shield, He would be our protection. I would hold on to that and believe it no matter what.  Then at last, along with Horatio Spafford the famous hymn writer, I could say that peace like a river was attending my soul.

But God wasn’t finished with His encouragement. He never is! In Romans, Paul tells us that “through [Christ] we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand” (5:2). Reader, we are standing in a mighty waterfall of grace! “O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free! Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me! Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love (S.T. Francis).” In the coming weeks, I intend to share with you the amazing provision and grace that we have experienced. But before I sign off, let me finish with this:

A few days after the news, a friend dropped off some goodies along with a packet of book marks for Gail. At the bottom of the packet there was a Bible reference: Psalm 84:11. Then another friend arrived with an early 20^th anniversary present for us. “I have written the verse from my Bible reading this morning in the card”, she said. It was Psalm 84:11.

And so a new chapter of our lives has begun. It has begun with the gracious provision and protection of God. And thus it will continue. Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. (John 16:33)".

We are living in a waterfall of grace and underneath us, all around us, is the current of God’s love. “The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favour and honour; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless” (Psalm 84:11).

Cheers for now - Ian