Keep it real!

“Testimonies” at Christian meetings have great entertainment value. They can be better than reality TV ... by a long way. One testimony I heard years ago started with the words: “Six weeks ago, my parachute didn’t open. So I fell to my death. But praise the Lord, God raised me from the dead.”

I kid you not. That got our attention I can tell you. As one, we pastors stiffened, waiting for the young man to claim that his resurrection had happened on the third day! We would have taken him down quicker than you could say “schizophrenic” let alone “illusions of grandeur”.

Then there are those people who use testimonies to confess the sins of others whilst making themselves look good. “We had a bad day yesterday. It began with a puncture on the school run. My husband got out to the change the wheel, but before long he was swearing and throwing his tools out of the cot. Fortunately, with God’s help, I was able to calm him down and point out where he was going wrong. Isn’t God good?” Indeed He is, but you have a problem with spiritual pride, madam. In fact, I am surprised you don’t have a problem with loose teeth!

Occasionally, one experiences the jaw-dropping wonder of listening to someone who has learnt completely the wrong lesson from a close shave. “Last weekend, I joined the bikers’ weekend run to the Vumba. As I was coming into Marondera doing about 160 km/h, I was shocked to see a policeman step into the road. I was in an 80 km/h zone which meant I would be liable for a jail sentence. Immediately, I started praying in tongues under my breath. To cut a long story short, I got off with a stiff fine – Praise the Lord! Then, by the grace of God, I was able to catch up with the rest of the guys by sitting at 220 km/h – hallelujah!” 

Stunned silence!

God’s grace for other road users should have had this lunatic locked up with his own helmet for a chamber pot.

The last men’s breakfast I attended, however, had testimonies of a different nature. One elderly gentleman stood up to tell us that he had recently been diagnosed with an inoperable tumour in his neck. He had decided against chemo therapy and would let the illness take its terminal course. He was at peace with his decision. Would we pray for him till the end?

Another man admitted to having a problem with fear. He had been a Christian for close on thirty years, but he had only recently realised just how frightened he really was. All sorts of things made him afraid. Things like border crossings and his work.

What struck me about this man’s testimony was that he didn’t say, “I used to have a problem with fear, but God has helped me to get over it.” He admitted to being a work in progress. He confessed to weakness. You don’t hear that in too many testimonies. In fact, I think he is the first man I’ve ever heard confess to being afraid and anxious. Men just do not get afraid or anxious. That is for women and children. Men might get “stressed” or they might be “under pressure”, but they never get scared. Or do they?

All I can say is well done, sir, for keeping it real. After all, isn’t that what real men are supposed to do?

Cheers for now - Ian