An embarrassing moment

To me, one of the most mind-numbingly frightening things in life is trying to catch any kind of ball without making a fool of myself. Recently, however, I have started to change myself from the inside. I have been changing the way I think. For example, I have been repeating little mantras to myself. Here is a sample (which you should feel free to use yourself): I am athletic; I am COORDINATED; I am good under the high ball. I have beautiful hands (huh?). I am ... PATRICK LAMBIE*!

Then last week, my moment of testing arrived. Matthew was playing rugby against St John’s College, and I was sitting on the touch-line. I must confess (to my shame) that warmth of the sun and the soporific sounds of young gentlemen growling at the break-down had lulled me into a false sense of security. Little did I know that a ruthless danger was about to be unleashed on the ladies sitting so trustingly beside me...

Suddenly, my reverie was shattered by the sound of a deep thud and Gail shouting “watch out, the ball’s going to hit us”. I looked up to see that the John’s full-back had kicked a sky-rocketing up-and-under in our direction. “I am Patrick Lambie”, my brain screamed exultantly. I knew what I had to do. I was about to become a hero.

The world faded away as my eyes locked remorselessly onto the spinning ball. Everything began to move in slow motion. I was a ball catching machine. My mind, arms and legs were moving as one, finely-tuned athletic marvel. In fact, I had BECOME the ball...

“Ian!” shouted Gail – “You’re on the field! You’re on the field of play!”

I looked up. Thirty boys were thundering towards me, their faced contorted in various expressions of confusion. What was this 40-something, bearded man doing on the field? Should he be tackled? Would he try to score once he had caught the ball? The ref was reaching for his yellow card.

Gasping one short, sharp (very un-theological) word, I lunged for the safety of the touch-line and sat down. Make of this what you will, but one thing I know for sure: I am not Patrick Lambie. Also, my ears blush horribly when I am embarrassed!

Cheers for now – Ian

(Patrick Lambie plays full-back for the Sharks. We are the same height, but that is where the similarity ends, for I am 22 years older, 32kgs lighter and much better looking than Lambie.)