Tsunami of the Soul

I am sitting here wondering whether to risk lifting the veil on some private struggles. Warning: if you are of a nervous disposition, to proceed may not be advisable. Possibly the same applies to me! I am afraid that those who never question their abilities or worth will read this with mild amazement or at worst look down on me. Further, I wonder just how much self-disclosure is appropriate on a public platform like this...

Ah well, here goes anyway. I had a tsunami of the soul last week. I have been known to suffer them from time to time. Ask Gail, she will tell you. A tsunami is defined in the dictionary as a series of long, high sea waves caused by a seismic movement in the ocean floor. That describes what I am talking about perfectly. The seismic instability of my soul stemmed from a deep belief that I did not measure up and was of little worth. Do not ask me where the belief came from; I do not know. Having said that, although I do not know EXACTLY where the belief came from, I do know that such deception is a cancer of the fallen world we live in.

Now I can hear people saying: But it isn’t true, Ian. You aren’t useless, and everyone is created by God with intrinsic worth. Do not get me wrong. For about three and a half years I have known the root cause of the problem. I knew what I was supposed to believe, but deep down, I did not believe it. So I have always been good at bluffing. Act as if you believe it, and maybe the belief will come. In fact, by acting competent, I have become competent. But I have always taken as few risks as possible in order to avoid failure, for failure would prove what I suspected deep down: the fact that I WAS a failure.

But nobody can avoid failure forever, which brings me to last week’s one, and it’s resulting Tsunami. It wasn’t a particularly spectacular failure, just one that confirmed once again my deep belief that I did not measure up. When one’s worth is hanging on success, failure feels like the end of the world. It brings long, high waves of self-derision: I’m useless; I hate who I am; I wish I were someone else; I can’t keep up this bluffing; I hate being such a needy person; will I ever feel comfortable in my own skin? Last week’s tsunami was fairly typical of many that I have experienced over the years. It left me hopeless and aching.

However, life goes on. The weekend was hectic. Gail and I went to Chengeta Safari Lodge to take a wedding. It was a good experience even though Gail was struggling with a chest infection and coughed nonstop, and I got violently sick from food poisoning (I think). I slept most of Sunday.

Then yesterday, when I was able to take stock of last week’s meltdown, an amazing thing happened! I looked back on the tsunami and thought: all those things I said about myself – they were so pointless and ineffectual. For once, rather than shame, I felt the futility of trying to mend things by bludgeoning myself with lies about my unworthiness. Hang on a moment. Had I just said “lies about my unworthiness”?  Did that mean I had come to believe I was worth something? Yes, it did!

Since last week, some colour has started seeping into the gloomiest recesses of my heart. For the first time, it seems I am REALLY starting to believe the truth about myself. I have not arrived. There will be struggles ahead. But for the first time, I feel like there is real hope.