Tsunami of the Soul

I am sitting here wondering whether to risk lifting the veil on some private struggles. Warning: if you are of a nervous disposition, to proceed may not be advisable. Possibly the same applies to me! I am afraid that those who never question their abilities or worth will read this with mild amazement or at worst look down on me. Further, I wonder just how much self-disclosure is appropriate on a public platform like this...

Ah well, here goes anyway. I had a tsunami of the soul last week. I have been known to suffer them from time to time. Ask Gail, she will tell you. A tsunami is defined in the dictionary as a series of long, high sea waves caused by a seismic movement in the ocean floor. That describes what I am talking about perfectly. The seismic instability of my soul stemmed from a deep belief that I did not measure up and was of little worth. Do not ask me where the belief came from; I do not know. Having said that, although I do not know EXACTLY where the belief came from, I do know that such deception is a cancer of the fallen world we live in.

Now I can hear people saying: But it isn’t true, Ian. You aren’t useless, and everyone is created by God with intrinsic worth. Do not get me wrong. For about three and a half years I have known the root cause of the problem. I knew what I was supposed to believe, but deep down, I did not believe it. So I have always been good at bluffing. Act as if you believe it, and maybe the belief will come. In fact, by acting competent, I have become competent. But I have always taken as few risks as possible in order to avoid failure, for failure would prove what I suspected deep down: the fact that I WAS a failure.

But nobody can avoid failure forever, which brings me to last week’s one, and it’s resulting Tsunami. It wasn’t a particularly spectacular failure, just one that confirmed once again my deep belief that I did not measure up. When one’s worth is hanging on success, failure feels like the end of the world. It brings long, high waves of self-derision: I’m useless; I hate who I am; I wish I were someone else; I can’t keep up this bluffing; I hate being such a needy person; will I ever feel comfortable in my own skin? Last week’s tsunami was fairly typical of many that I have experienced over the years. It left me hopeless and aching.

However, life goes on. The weekend was hectic. Gail and I went to Chengeta Safari Lodge to take a wedding. It was a good experience even though Gail was struggling with a chest infection and coughed nonstop, and I got violently sick from food poisoning (I think). I slept most of Sunday.

Then yesterday, when I was able to take stock of last week’s meltdown, an amazing thing happened! I looked back on the tsunami and thought: all those things I said about myself – they were so pointless and ineffectual. For once, rather than shame, I felt the futility of trying to mend things by bludgeoning myself with lies about my unworthiness. Hang on a moment. Had I just said “lies about my unworthiness”?  Did that mean I had come to believe I was worth something? Yes, it did!

Since last week, some colour has started seeping into the gloomiest recesses of my heart. For the first time, it seems I am REALLY starting to believe the truth about myself. I have not arrived. There will be struggles ahead. But for the first time, I feel like there is real hope.

Famous Last Words

Famous last words can be telling. You should google “famous last words” the next time you feel in the mood for some light entertainment... or not! Some vary from the unfortunate – “they couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist....aaaargh” (spoken by General John Sedgewick, a Union Commander who was shot during the US Civil War) – to the surprising – “I am not the least afraid to die” (Charles Darwin) – to the downright ineffective – “Let’s cool it brothers...” (Malcolm X talking to his assassins, 3 men who shot him 16 times).

                In preparing for Christmas a few days ago, I read the account of Jesus’ birth in Luke’s gospel. I was inspired by the words of the old man Simeon who had been waiting for the rescue of Israel and found it in a strange place – the arms of a teenager from Nazareth. Simeon took Jesus, and cradling Him, he praised God, saying: “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation...” (Luke 2:29). These would make pretty cool famous last words. They are a testimony to the reliability of God’s rescue plan. Though his death was close, Simeon was at peace because the Spirit had assured him of eternal life through the tiny baby he dandled on his knees.

                Simeon is described by Luke as a person who was both righteous and devout (v25). He obeyed God’s code of conduct; he had great respect and reverence for God, and so he ordered his life accordingly. This was a man who structured his life AROUND God rather than trying to fit God into the gaps. God was not a “clip-on” to Simeon’s life. Consequently, Simeon’s life declared the supreme value of YHWH. But his death would declare the supreme value of Christ.

                The story goes that when Karl Marx was about to die, his housekeeper urged him to tell her his last words so that she could record them for posterity. He snapped at her, “go on, get out – last words are for fools that haven’t said enough!” I think Marx was only partly right. Yes, I want my entire life to declare the supreme value of Christ. But, by God’s grace, I also want to have a final say through my dying. I hope that both my living and my dying will point others to Jesus the great rescuer.

Road Markings

Here's something I wrote for one of my kids. I hope it speaks to you...

This morning, I got to thinking about the dotted markings that are painted on roads to mark the lanes. These markings are about a meter long. They stretch out ahead to the horizon and beyond, and they just keep rolling past the car as you drive along. There are road markings all the way from our house in Harare to Uncle Brian’s house in Ballito. And they don’t stop there. Think about the length of one road marking compared to the distance from Harare to Ballito. One meter compared to 1,700,000 meters.

Well, when we compare our earthly lives to eternity, it’s like comparing one road marking to all the ones between here and Ballito. Believe it or not, life is short! And the way we live on earth has an effect on the way we spend eternity. We will receive rewards in heaven for the way in which we live on earth. Treats on earth – clothes, cars and stuff – will last for a few years (often less!). Rewards in heaven will last for ever! Jesus is far more valuable than anything else, and that’s why we love Him and others on earth. That’s why we are obedient and do the work that He has prepared for us to do. Then we will enjoy an awesome reward in heaven.

Remember this whenever you see road markings! Here’s a poem I wrote for you:

Dashed on curving asphalt

Without halt or pause

On shouldered mountain pass

Through grassed and wind-swept places,

Dotted traces of the passing miles

Farm and city streaming past

In a vast and endless flow

Of speed and movement.

Cars and buses overtaking

Are we making up the time

We lost from chaos and disorder

 When we sweated at the border?

Are we there yet?

Don’t you know?

There’s still a hundred k’s to go.

These dotted lines in parallel

They stream from some eternal well,

And they won’t stop beyond the bend

When our journey’s met its end

So please take time to pause and think

How life will pass you in a blink

Like flickered markings on the road

That lead to your God-built abode

In heaven where your Father is

For life is short when you compare

A year…threescore and ten

With all eternity and then…? 

Do it my way or take the highway

One of my biggest challenges is overcoming the drive to do things my way. We get offended by people with a do-it-my-way-or-take-the-highway mentality. But in essence, that is the way we are all wired. Each of us desires the autonomy to decide what we will or will not do. I want to be my own boss. I want to define right and wrong. I want to do life MY way.

                As  a teenager, the foundations of my world were turned to dust by a single verse: “We all like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on [Jesus] the iniquity of us all” (Isaiah 53:6). My life is still reeling from the after-shock of these words.

Could it be that doing things my own way was the “iniquity” the prophet referred to? And if so, and this is the part that gutted me, was the price of doing things my way “laid on” Jesus.

You see, the prophecy about Jesus’ suffering begins in 52:13 and ends at 53:12. It describes in detail what the prophet so euphemistically refers to as “laid on”. Actually, Jesus was tortured so badly that he didn’t even look human (52:14). He was despised, rejected, scorned, stricken, smitten, pierced, crushed, punished, wounded, oppressed, afflicted and finally, slaughtered like an animal... all because of my hard-wired tendency to do life my way.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not implying that God wired us this way. Humankind changed when Eve thought, “I don’t want God to tell me what is right and wrong; it would be so much better if I could decide that for myself”. That rebellion cost us. And in every generation the rebellion continues, leading to un-told suffering and evil and pain.

But the wiring can be changed, praise God. If you believe that Jesus died for your punishment and rose again, then you will be changed, and you will have the power to turn away from self-government towards servant hood. I am not saying that it is easy, but it is possible. With the Holy Spirit’s help, you can grow in servant hood. It will feel less alien to pray “your will not mine be done”, following the example that Jesus set.

Never forget that Gods’ welcoming words when we get to heaven will be “Well done my good and faithful servant”. They will not be “Welcome, my co-regent and fellow god”.

Cheers for now - Ian